Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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