it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
