I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
