Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
