I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You ruined the universe
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
