Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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