how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
