I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
