they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
