so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
