He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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