How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
