peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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