There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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