from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize