I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
