I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
