I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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