Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
