Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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