so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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