then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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