you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
