I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
