Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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