Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
