I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
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