did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
