I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize