at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
