he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
