My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Still dying that you shit outside
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
