I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
