He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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