Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
