Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
