my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
