i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
