note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize