I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
i now understand why vodka
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
