Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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