Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Im part way to drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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