not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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