If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
