I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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