I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
