i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize