and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
smell my finger.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
