Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
