I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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