if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize