The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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