That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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