True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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