U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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