if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
