his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
