The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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