my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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