My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
