paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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