Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize