I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
