At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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