I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
