Umm I'm too high to move.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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