Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
